 | ||
| | |
 | ||
 |
Why I Hate Women |
A while back the position of Improbably Hot Girlfriend was vacated. Then it was temporarily filled, then vacated again. It's just really hard to find good help these days.
Like anyone with a position to fill, I turned to the internet classified site Craigslist first, then to the human-trafficking-specific sites PlentyOfFish and OKCupid. I didn't try any of the pay sites like Match.com or the openly discriminatory eHarmony. For one thing, I don't think it would be any more effective, and for another I wouldn't want to date the type of person who would pay for a dating site.
The temp hire I subsequently had to fire was found through other channels, and so is only tangentially related to the topic at hand. I won't bore you with a lot of details, but the pivotal problems were: 1) temporary insanity on my part; 2) non-temporary insanity on hers.
The old test for "girlfriend material" was to unlock her side of the car first--if she leans over to unlock your door, she passes. However, with keyless entry it's pretty much impossible to unlock just the passenger door without being really fucking obvious about it. And besides, even the stone-cold bitches know about that test now so you'll get a lot of false positives.
Based on recent experience, I think the new test is to add her as a Facebook friend. If you genuinely like to read her status updates and look forward to her comments on yours, she passes. If she posts inane shit you don't care about, keeps sending you "gifts" that require you to enable some stupid Facebook apps, inviting you to groups you have no interest in, and wants you to "back her up" in a flamewar about whether breastfeeding pictures conform to the Facebook terms of service.... Yeah, I don't need to finish that sentence.
Online dating ought to be a way to efficiently locate, screen and contact other singles in your area who you might not otherwise run into. It seems particularly suited to reclusive, computer-savvy hermits who express themselves eloquently in text. Alas, it is not so.
Like mulitplayer gaming, discussion forums and public transportation, online dating fails not because of the technology but because of people. Specifically, women act like ass-hats on the internet. I've heard from women and the gays that men are also afflicted with internet ass-hat syndrome, but I can't personally comment.
So why do I hate women? Let me count the reasons.
- Short, bland, generic profiles. This is the true bane of the online dating world. There are only two bits of data I have to go on: her pictures and her profile. Some don't even have a picture, and too many to count are a variation on: "I don't know what to write, I hate talking about myself. I like to go out but sometimes it's fun to stay in and just chill lol My freinds and famly are rely important to me. Im looking to meet a great guy whos confident and knows what he wants from life to hang out with at first and then who knoes lol"
Marketing is all about branding, and specifically brand differentiation. Would you buy a car if the only thing the ad told you was that it was "good for driving around in"? Would you hire someone who just said they are "a good worker" or apply for a job without a description? Of course not. Sometimes I'm tempted to write "Please look at my profile and tell me if we have anything in common because looking at yours I have no fucking clue." This is particularly problematic because... - Women don't make first contact. You can put as much care and effort into crafting your profile as you want, but if you're a straight man you still have to make the first move. But you still have to have a profile, otherwise women won't reply when you do make the first move. It's a catch-21. A man's profile is like his nipples: essentially useless, but if he doesn't have them he'll be shunned as a freak.
- Group photos. Because it's never the hot one.
- Horrific grammar, punctuation, spelling, and general abuse of the English language, not to mention txt-slang, smilies and incessant loling. Women claim to have more aptitude for language, but that may just be code for talking a lot without having anything to say. Or it may be a lie. It certainly doesn't seem to imply any genetic predisposition toward effective communication. As much as I hate it, this one comes with a silver lining: if the first paragraph of a profile makes me want to stab my eyes out, it's unlikely the rest is going to make me swoon. That can be a real time saver.
- Selective myopia. I can't count the number of women who have replied but ignored part of the message. Usually, the part where I asked her out. The pinnacle was a woman who wrote "Thanks for writing back" and otherwise ignored everything I had said. I gather that a lot of women use dating sites as an ego booster, with no intention of actually going on dates. Which is fine, I like wasting time as much as anyone. However, if you mention your dog in your profile, and I'm interested in your dog, tell me about your goddamn dog. Don't just thank me for my interest like some kind of tech support auto-reply bot.
- Unrealistic Expectations. And not just from women who explicitly state they are waiting for Prince Charming to save them from their boring lives and cover them in kisses (and jewellery), just about all women have a skewed idea of what is acceptable. OKCupid spells it out with data. Women complain that there are no good men left in the world, and this is why: they rate 80% of men as "below average."
It's extra funny because women are constantly complaining that men have unrealistic expectations. I'm sorry Ms Pot, but Mr Kettle is not nearly so black as you. Not only does this show that women are impossible to please, it also shows they are bad at math. 80% below average is statistically impossible. If you want to end gender stereotypes, stop fulfilling them. - Silence. At least 75% of initial messages go unanswered, and women routinely just disappear in the middle of a conversation. I even had a girl I was planning to ask out delete her profile while I was getting over a cold. I guess I should've carped the diem. Sure, rejection is rejection and silence might actually be easier to handle than explicit rejection, but it can be a lot like shouting in the dark sometimes. What am I doing wrong? Is it my picture? My profile? My propensity to verb nouns? If you've ever tried to debug a generic 500 Internal Server Error, you know what I'm talking about. After a while I just started assuming they thought I was too short. This is because...
- Women are really hung up on height. And not just wanting someone taller than they are, because I fully see the wisdom of dating a woman you can physically restrain if she starts getting uppity. I mean there are an awful lot of women who, regardless of their own height (or lack thereof), won't date anyone under 5'10". If you really have that much trouble getting things off the top shelf, Rona sells a great folding step stool for $45. This probably goes back to #6, Unrealistic Expectations. Specifically cock size. Unfortunately for the ladies, there's no direct correlation.
- Bisexuals: dating sites are rife with them, and I don't need that kind of drama. I know, blah blah Kinsey Scale, yada yada perfectly normal, but on dating sites bisexual is a giant red flag for Baggage Ahead. Some use it as a political label and aren't even interested in dating both genders, some like being different for the attention, and some just have issues generally. I had one contact me out of the blue to insult me, then tell me about her medical problems, then get flirty. A lot of them are polyamorous, which is the politically correct word for slutty. This makes some logical sense, as those looking for a monogamous relationship will flow into the site, pair up and flow away like B vitamins, while those continuously looking for new sex partners will slowly accumulate to toxic levels, like mercury. Additionally, from my own experience if you date someone claiming to be bisexual you may end up with a trojan lesbian. Believe me when I say this is a suboptimal outcome.
- Transparent Positivity. I know, you want to put your best foot forward and not sound like a wet blanket, but there are limits. I'm really tired of reading profiles that say they love their job and live life to the fullest. I just plain don't fucking believe it, and I refuse to date a liar. I suppose a few of them might have a chemical imbalance or be simple, but the majority have to be lying. Especially when they work in some bureaucratic administrative job. If you really think you're living life to the fullest putting cover sheets on your TPS reports, you have a piss-poor imagination.
You may have noticed that this rantenspiel is somewhat one-sided, possibly even prejudicial. There's a very good reason for that: I'm a man. Sure, men are complete douchebags on dating sites--they spam everyone without reading profiles, make lewd and insulting comments, lie, cheat, stand women up or blow them off, and send unsolicited pictures of their penises. And you know what? That's all great!
As a relatively polite man (emphasis on relative) in this vast and turbulent ocean of douche, I am like a cool breeze on a hot summer day. I don't have to do anything to make a good first impression, I just have to not do a bunch of stuff, and not doing something is no work at all. How much effort did I expend not attatching cock-shots to all my messages? How much time have I spent not complimenting women on their racks? These questions have no answer. Certainly though, without the ridiculously low bar I would not have gotten nearly so many dates, being as I am a short, scrawny, balding, sarcastic son of a bitch with a chip on his shoulder. Though the position of IHG has again been filled, I exhort men everywhere to keep posting those shirtless pics, keep asking women if they do anal, and above all keep the penis pictures flowing, because there may come a time when I am back on the market and I do not want to have to compete on merit.
In a subsequent rantenspiel1 I will discuss face-to-face dating. In brief: you should be prepared to answer the question "What is your biggest weakness?" and give an example of a time when you had to think outside the box.
1 There will be no subsequent rantenspiel.
