Awhile back we did a comic about fantasy football, and I wrote a newspost expounding upon the topic. At that time I was told not to write about sports anymore because it would alienate our fanbase, and so I had planned to let the demise of the NHL season pass without comment.
After mentioning this on the Official UAC Forum* I was informed that I'm Deacon, the U in UAC, the soul of the UAC team. And while I don't appreciate being called ugly (or uninspired, or unimaginative, or even union), they were right. I am Deacon. Who is Fuzz, the bitch of the UAC team, to tell me what to write? And since when do we have a fanbase?
Those of you fruitlessly trying to coerce pictures of vaginas out of MSN (seriously people, Google is for porn) may not be aware that yesterday was the drop dead date for negotiations in the NHL lockout, and thanks to some third-grade tactics on the part of union president Bob Goodenow, the season did in fact drop dead. He waited till the eleventh hour, as they say, and then tried to ram all five fingers into the league vagina without any lube. As any dyke will tell you, you don't go from zero to fisting in under six seconds.
Without question, the owners are responsible for the current mess. Gary Bettman's expansion team Ponzi scheme was bound to fall apart eventually, and with every layer on the pyramid the financial mess has gotten worse. And similarly, the huge influx of inferior players has caused a corresponding decline in the quality of play. However, it is these inferior players, and their lesbian-rapist representative, who are responsible for the problem not being fixed.
At this point, it's not enough just to introduce a salary cap and continue with business as usual. Two Americans are responsible for fucking up the game created, played and owned by Canadians. Even firing them won't redress their sins. Face-punching is necessary.
I propose the following compromise, and by compromise I mean face-punching. All the idiotic southern expansion teams are folded, teams like Atlanta, Nashville and Disneyland. Gary Bettman, who thought these would be good places for hockey, must travel on foot to all of these cities. In full gear, including skates. And no, I don't mean rollerblades.
Bob Goodenow, who has convinced the players that a salary cap is so bad for the league that they should play in other leagues with much lower salary caps in protest, gets punched in the face by Todd Bertuzzi, and then jumped on by a bunch of Avalanche fourth liners. I also propose a special exemption a la Larry Bird in the NBA, whereby Bertuzzi gets paid a bonus for punching Goodenow in the face, which doesn't count against the cap. A million dollars per tooth sounds about right.
I have some suggestions about replacements as well. Since I don't actually care if the players are "only" making $2 million per season, on average, negotiating skills don't matter to me. Instead, my nomination for union president is Christina Ricci. My reasoning is circuitous, based partly on the remake of the popular Canadian indie film Ginger Snaps (which they are now calling Cursed), but mostly it boils down to hotness.
The commissioner's job is much more important, and needs to be done by someone who can do more than giggle and jiggle, someone with the strength of character to lead the league out of the hole dug by Bettman and Goodenow, someone like Brian Burke. I have no doubt that if he had the job, he would rule the NHL with an iron fist. All complaints about the salary cap, arbitration, and gross abuses of power would fall on deaf ears. Players who refused to get in line might even "disappear." And that would solve the other problem the league faces: that it isn't entertaining enough. Maybe it's just me, but I think an NHL Gestapo would be pretty entertaining.
* there is no official UAC forum