Here's a handy-dandy guide to figure out who wrote a comic: if it's funny, I wrote it. If it's not funny, Fuzz wrote it. If it's kind of funny but mostly just really sick, Penguin wrote it. And if for some reason we ever miss a day, blame Gordon.

I don't watch the TV news, mostly for the reasons Fuzz notes. Every once in a while I'll see a little bit as I'm flipping by, and it kind of depresses me. Unless it's the last 30 seconds before a commercial when the hosts are ad libbing filler, then I cringe. Some people can do improv, others were born to read off a teleprompter because their head is an echoing cavern devoid of thought.

Not all anchors are like that; some used to be reporters. Reporters often have a quick wit and a wicked sense of humour. Unfortunately, if they ever told the kinds of jokes that go around the newsroom on air, they would never work again. In between a segment about an apartment fire and a commercial break, most people would rather hear some inane banter about the weather than anything involving the word "barbecue".

Obviously, the new crop of news-bimbos don't fit into this category. The twinkies reading the news nowadays never had to pay their dues doing City Council meetings or reporting live from war-torn ____-ia. That would take too long. The whole point of a bimbo is that she's hot, and women are only hot for 10 to 15 years. It would be silly to waste those years away from the camera.

Also, there is no such thing as hard news anymore. Sure, they'll report on the car crashes and stabbings, but that stuff isn't hard. It's basically just pretty pictures and police statements. Honestly, if for some reason they couldn't get any footage of the car that got ripped in half, do you think they'd even run the segment?

Hard news is what used to be called investigative journalism, with reports that took weeks or months to research. Watergate, for example. Can you imagine the Tamara's and Annie's of your local news team asking politicians hard questions and pushing till they get answers? You might as well ask Renee Zellweger to kill a puppy with a claw-hammer.

Don't ask, by the way, because she'd do it.

Today's anchors and reporters are incapable of covering anything other than fluff pieces and apocalypse porn. If there were a story about a cute kid in a funny hat who hacked up her parents, the anchor would probably orgasm right on the air. And then throw to a live feed of traffic on the bridge.