As you may have heard somewhere, marriage is legal in Canada between any two people, even the gay ones. And as I've mentioned previously, this is an undiluted positive. Not merely because of the weddings which will now take place without any men having to endure six months of nagging until he'll finally agree to have pink doilies just so the bitch will shut up about it, nor because it will lead to divorces where a woman gets stuck paying child support (although that is still its greatest selling point).

Same-sex marriage is great because it will knock down one of the last barriers to gender equality still standing in Canada: mail order brides. Now women will be able to purchase other women to do with as they wish, just as men have been doing for centuries.

It doesn't even have to be a sexual relationship, although I'm sure every owner will try it out at least once--she's right there, after all, and otherwise you'd have to buy another bed. No, the main selling point for today's fully empowered Canadian woman should be the indentured nature of her new wife's servitude.

A mail order bride has virtually no rights (and no option to exercise what rights she does have if you don't teach her English). Why pay a maid, cook, gardener and occasional prostitute when you can get all of those services for one up-front bulge payment and the cost of ~50lbs of dog food a month? Today's professional Canadian woman deserves the status and comfort that only comes from owning a Russian or Philippine woman.

However, it's not merely an opportunity for single women. In this day and age, lots of people in committed, monogamous relationships choose not to get married because they just don't see the point.

With mail-order, though, there's a point. The marriage certificate is your ticket to a life of leisure and sexual deviance. You only get one, so you might as well spend it wisely.

Now, thanks to the equal marriage law, Canadian couples who choose not to spend their marriage tickets on each other can have two mail-order brides. Imagine the amount of work two women could do!

You could have your own mini-sweatshop making cheap Calvin Klein knock-offs or crappy jewellery. Sure, it's not worth your time to string together bead necklaces, but their time is virtually valueless. And it'll keep their hands busy in between peepshows.

There's an old saying: women are like cats. How the saying ends depends on who you ask. For the purposes of this discussion, the only thing you need to know about women (and cats) is that they're very territorial. If you want to have two of them living in the same house without having to listen to them yowl at each other all night, you have to get them at the same time. And preferably from the same litter.

Twins have a certain cachet in the dating scene, and I assume the same will hold true on the slave-owner chat boards. They're pretty much guaranteed to get along. Plus, imagine how much hotter it will be when you force them to make out.

Today's filler isn't so much filler as flagrant pimpage. It's the cover of the greatest Christmas story ever told: Santa's Lil' Gimp. Go to the website, read the story, and tell me it isn't pure, distilled genius straight from the mucous membrane of a muse.

It's also the perfect Christmas present for that special man, woman or tweener in your life. Ilene doesn't know it yet, but her copy is already in the mail.