Yesterday's Not Guilty verdict in the court case about Michael Jackson raping little boys was a great victory for celebrities everywhere. Certainly they knew they could get away with murder if they were famous enough (even if they're black!), but child molesting seemed like a cultural sore spot. But as it turns out, selling 200 million records buys you a free pass on pædophelia. Even if it's with a sick kid.

Someone needs to do some research and figure out exactly how famous you have to be to get away with various crimes. For example, OJ was famous enough to kill a white woman. Christian Brando was not, though one assumes his dad is. Athletes can generally count on getting away with domestic violence, rape and plain old assault, but apparently selling dope and gambling (of all things) are over the line.

But where, specifically, do various celebrities fall on the scale, and what crimes does their fame entitle them to commit? Could Hayden Christensen choke a pregnant woman in real life? How many hookers could Ben Kingsley kill before he'd have to do time? More than Jack the Ripper? Sure, Prince Eddy was royalty, but Ben has an Oscar.

We now know that the King of Pop can rape a 13 year old boy, and Tom Cruise can screw a 14 year old, but how famous would a person (hypothetically) have to be to fuck a newborn infant? David Beckham famous?

Another point to consider: does the celebrity exemption wear off? OJ had been out of football for quite a while, but stayed in the public consciousness by appearing in such hit movies as Malibu Beach Girls and Frogmen. Michael Jackson hasn't really done anything but endanger children for years, but it seems to work for him. But does someone like Richard Gere have to adjust his behaviour to stay out of trouble as his career fades? Does his publicist keep track of what he can no longer get away with?

And what about John Travolta? What if, hypothetically, he'd killed and eaten a homeless man in Newark prior to the release of Pulp Fiction, but the case didn't come to trial until after his star had re-risen? Actually, I think I know the answer to that one. Anyone can kill a homeless man.

Obviously as a budding internet pseudolebrity I have a vested interest in all of this. It would help me plan my weekend to know exactly how many hits UAC needs to get before I can get away with, say, demolishing a neighbour's car-hold or torching the local Walmart. And if UAC really takes off could I, like the freakishly hairy girl who runs Ain't It Cool News, get away with selling illegal immigrants into sex slavery? Hypothetically.